It feels like I am losing all of those who I thought I was close to because some of the choices I have made recently. Every day is a new battle that I am going through, going through emotions I've never felt before. I really just want someone to tell me everything will be all okay in month or more. I keep telling myself that every day I wake and go to bed it just seems to either work or make it even harder.  It makes me not want to be in love again after this. I want to be happy again, I want to get my life all in check mostly I just want a career and some more friends, maybe even my own place. I just don't even know what is wrong with me anymore. I am usually really good at making and keeping myself really happy and content with life but lately that just isn't the case anymore. I don't even know what to do with myself, my anxiety has gotten much worse. I feel like retail therapy would help wonders but you need a job to go shopping. I want things to go back to the way they were before. I never thought about sharing my life with anyone besides my two dogs, just having friends who constantly want to text you. It just feels like I am making all the wrong moves and I don't know what to do with myself. Almost everything makes me just want to cry because it just brings back memories. I've never missed my dad as much as I have recently, I just feel like maybe things would be different if he were still here. I don't know if all this is going on because I rarely leave my house let alone my bedroom. I don't have a car, I don't have money so I just sit here watching Netflix or listening to music just thinking how things happened over and over again. I have dreams that I am happy. I just really want it to stop or return. I miss my positive, go-getter attitude just my over all let's attack the world today attitude. Maybe lack of sleep is catching up with me and just eating me alive same with my achy body because I am super stressed out lately. My appetite is basically non-existent to were I am forcing myself to eat. All I want is just water, it really shouldn't be this bad at all there is no reason for it. Maybe once I get a car again, and save up for my own place things will get better. Maybe having an actual bed to come home to and sleep in. I just have this mental image that my own place will make me happy, be an amazing place to be. Just be my own little sanctuary to share with my friends and just myself.  

Thank you

      I just really felt like I need to say thank you to all of my friends, including the ones over the internet. You guys have made what I am going through a lot easier on me then if I had to deal with it all on my own. I know some of you or most of you really don't know nor understand what is going on in my life. You just being here and supporting me and my decisions even if you don't really support how I am dealing with it, it just really means a lot to me. It has really shown me who my real friends are and how supportive you guys really can be for me. I know I am not the easiest person deal with especially when my whole world just seems to be crumbling underneath my feet right now. A lot of you know me for being the happy, positive, calm and collected friend not the person that I have been the past two weeks. I just haven't really felt like myself since the day before my birthday. It is going to take some time for me to get over what is going on in my fairly boring life. This is just one of the few ways of how I am dealing with it. To me this is really weird just opening up over the internet, but this blog is like my journal so I am just going to post what ever I want on here. I promise I will work on the design and try to make it a lot better then it is looking right now! 
                                      I love you all! 

So for the past two nights I have been watching Keeping Up With The Kardashian's and all I can think to myself is why? Why haven't I started watching this before now! It makes me laugh and feel a lot better. I got to say I just love Kourtney, she is such a fierce bitch! I just adore her. 

As of recently I've sort of been buckling down on finding a job as much as I really want to focus on getting my career started. I just need the work right now, I mean I can't go into training till next spring anyways with how the training is set up. I am really excited for this career choice that I've made. I get to travel for training out of state I've never really left Utah. I have also been contemplating moving out all on my own like with no roommates just my dogs and I. I've made a shopping list at Ikea and Target. I am really hoping I can afford to do it on my own or find a roommate that loves herding dogs as much as I do since I have two. I am actually really excited to have a bed to sleep on again. It is the one thing I won't purchase as second hand after these two years  dealing with the nightmare of bugs. 

My flat will be so freaking cute and sporty since I am a huge sports fan and I just adore modern decor! I just have this really amazing mental image of how my flat will look. A really cute modern grey/black couch, an ikea dark brown/black coffee table with matching entertainment center, a bar high dinner table that is dark brown/black, a cute little kitchen that I can learn how to cook and have friends over for dinner. That is what I am really excited about just having little family and friend get together's. It would be really fun to have like game nights, sports nights where we all eat nachos and watch football/baseball/basketball. I want my apartment to be the cute little oh let's go to Heather's apartment and hang out just really calm and relaxing place to be. I mean at first it won't be to cute, but this girl is going to bust her ass saving up money for nice, new and clean furniture, just have an over all happy little home for my small family that includes me and my two dogs. It doesn't even have to be an apartment maybe even a cute little 1-2 bedroom house. I honestly don't even care what city it is in. I just want to sleep at night knowing I am not going to be disturb by nasty flithy little demons that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I mean I have to go have my skin bleached because of these little monsters.

I have finally decided on a career choice that I think I will love for the rest of my whole life. I completely forgot about this career until last night when I was at my friends house. I am going to go to training to be an Animal Control Officer! I love animals and I've always wanted a career working with them especially after adopting my newest companion Ryker. Ryker, is by far the sweetest dog I've encountered outside of my best friend Taigan's little dog pack. He is extremely quiet and can be very shy. I love him with the bottom of my art my other dog Sally, secretly loves him. When they are seperated she constantly cries and scratches the door that he is at. I know this career choice is going to be very hard for my dogs both are very attached to me. I've been unemployed for such a long time now they are used to me constantly being home the second we wake up to the second we fall asleep at night. I spend nearly every waken hour with my dogs, to me they are more than dogs they are my life. My whole life revolves around them.